Humor, kidney stones, LifeSucks

WHY Wednesday: Why Kidney Stones are a B*tch

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Let’s start with some boring basic anatomy stuff:

Kidney stones 2

Basically, your kidneys remove excess waste products and fluids from your body through urine. They also do a lot of other amazing things, but that’s a science lecture for another time. You can read about kidneys and their function here. Urine descends through the ureters, to the bladder, and then into the toilet (hopefully).

Anyway, when excess salts and minerals are not excreted as planned, they can crystallize to form kidney stones. These stones try to pass through the ureter with the urine, but oftentimes are too large.

So why are they a bitch?

(Warning note: I’m not trying to whine or complain here, just wanted those of you who don’t know what they are to be informed of how lucky you are. And to be aware that they could be coming for you.)

Size and Kind

I have Cystinuria, a genetic kidney disease that causes kidney stones. My parents are assholes and decided to pass on genes that cause these monsters to form in my kidneys at least once a month.
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And I don’t get the ‘easy’ kidney stones either – well, those don’t exist anyway. I get the jagged, huge, incurable ones. They don’t brake up, they don’t dissolve. There isn’t medicine I can take that will keep them from forming for good. They get just large enough to agonizingly scrape slowly down the ureter, causing me to piss blood and scream like a lunatic.

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Or, they get too large to pass and cause an inevitable surgery. I’ve had four surgeries, my largest stone was 2.4 CENTIMETERS, 17 mm x 24 mm (you can pass them up to 6mm on your own). I hold the record at my urologist’s office for my age. I can’t even count the number of these small ones I pass.

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The pain

Oh, I’ve heard it rated up there with just as bad as giving birth without an epidural. Now, I haven’t had kids yet, so I can’t compare, but I’ve seen the screaming in real life in the Labor and Delivery unit during clinical. I’ve screamed like that. So hard and loud you’re dry heaving bile and stomach acids. Super fun stuff.

The best I can compare it to is thousands of knives being stabbed and twisted into your back, side, and vagina – simultaneously and unending.

Or, like a rhino ramming into your back from behind..

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They come with minimal warning, and other reasons they suck.

: One minute you’ll be driving to the store, jamming to your favorite tune – and the next you’ll be a screaming, writhing mess. Or hey, how about my college GRADUATION? My prom? Yes, my kidneys HATE ME.

: You’ll think you passed it, but nope- it was just a fragment – there’s more bastards still in there.

: Yes, water’s great – but you get so sick of drinking it allllllllllll day and night, and having 15 trips to the bathroom

: Surgeries and ER visits are expensive

: Stents, infections, and painful urination following kidney stones suck too.

: They could get you fired from your job…

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So, that pretty much sums up why kidney stones are a bitch. I’m just glad I don’t have a penis for the extra few inches it has to travel down! Feel free to add your experiences or other reasons!

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There are 24 comments

  2. Scott Danzig

    Your writing is awesome! You made me WANT to read about the pain of kidney stones! You could be the most talented writer that ever lived! I’d want to read more, but I don’t think I want you to suffer that much for it. Oh, and don’t listen to Ms. Toy Whisperer. Your rock collection looks really cool.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. mojoshawn

    I thought the title said “Why kidney beans are a b*tch” are it made me mad because I like kidney beans. However, after reading it I now see I was wrong. Now I’m mad at your kidney stones. They are mean. I don’t like them and I’d better not see them at the store or it’s throw down time. I take care of my Pals, and these stones need their rear ends whipped. Stupid kidney stones.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. In My Cluttered Attic

    Renee I think you could be the new Stephen King! You sure know how to write about terror, but I guess it comes with practice—which by the way, I pray will soon disappear. Just another thought; it sounds like kidney stones could be little bastards too, but I don’t want to meet one in order to find out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Reneex2115

      Thank you so much!! That was quite a compliment! (Though misplaced – I would be thrilled to one day be anywhere near as successful as Stephen King! And that’s funny, cause I’m reading Mr. Mercedes as we speak…) You’re too kind. Yes, kidney stones are little bastards – hopefully you will never meet one! And yes, you definitely put a smile on my face! I hope someone puts one on yours today! You’re awesome.

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  7. bogdanem

    You’ve got a knack of writing. Reading your post I was so sad because of your pain and almost at the same time wanted to laugh. Finding plus of this situation in having no penis was top level!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. DJones BranchingOut

    I’ve had migraines my whole life, along with one super-easy and one super-painful labor and delivery… sounds to me like kidney stones are WAAAAYYY more painful than giving birth. Thanks for the laugh, and I sure hope your big stones are far outnumbered by the little-bitty ones.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Julia Manuel

    Oh god how I feel for you! I can’t imagine going through that monthly! I passed a stone and I gave birth without drugs – the stone was worse. Effing bitch is right! I vomited screamed “Help me!” over & over in the ER til the stoopid little stuck up nurse finally administered the morphine my doctor ordered TWO HOURS PRIOR. It was the true definition of horrific. And I was alone. I thought I’d go mad. Morphine was my best friend ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Reneex2115

      I don’t blame you!! I’m respectful in public, but I have never sworn so much and loud and screamed in pain in the ERs…people think since we’re not bleeding out its not excruciating.. but it is!! Sorry you went through that! But you give me hope for kids! haha

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Julia Manuel

        I’m the same way, a decent law abiding gal but there was no holding back, I shocked myself lol. Birth is easier imho because at least you get a “break” between contractions whereas with the stone it’s constant *excruciating* pain. Oh my dear…i don’t know how you do it. Birth will feel like a cakewalk! Lol

        Liked by 1 person

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