I want to be your friend.

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I’ve been in constant battle with myself – as are a lot of men and women in today’s overtly outer-beauty-loving society. I’ve spent the better part of 24 years fighting borderline eating disorders, body image issues, etc – many of which were (are) psychological. Even at my highest weight I’ve never ‘broken the scales’ or have been morbidly obese. And, at my lowest, 111 – I was anxious to go outside in public in fear of others’ judgements. Now, well over 50 lbs more than that – imagine my self esteem. I’ve used food to comfort me. To hide. To make excuses. To numb. To laugh at myself. I’ve never been my friend. I’ve never looked at myself and 100% loved myself.

A part of this ‘laugh up my sleeve’ journey was to find a better attitude about life – the most important part probably being how I feel about myself. I wanted to laugh with myself through this journey of self- improvement. I want to love myself and I want want others to love themselves. No matter what weight, career path, economic situation, love-life situation, etc. I knew the number on the scale doesn’t define who I am, but it does have an impact on how I feel about my motivation, my determination, and my health in general. I decided to make a change. Enough yo-yo-ing with my life state, enough using food as a muse or an excuse or a reward. Enough Fad diets or extreme changes that won’t last more than a month. I needed a lifestyle and attitude change.

I started a new workout/clean eating program (I talked about it before, and will do so again in a later post, but I want this not to be about product pushing/etc. I want this to be about deciding to be my own friend again, or maybe even for the first time) which has been great for me so far. I’ve always been the one to shut down buying a program for weight loss, etc.. I mean, why pay extravagant amounts for something I can do free? But, here’s the in-my-face-kicker, OBVIOUSLY I wasn’t doing it. Maybe it doesn’t even have anything to do with the actual program, maybe just finally making this decision to love myself again, but whatever it is – I want to keep heading in this direction.

It’s only been a few weeks, but I feel the difference, and see it too. I’m excited to work out and feel that burn. I’m excited for ‘sore’ new muscles in areas I’ve never worked before. I’m excited to actually learn about the ingredients in my foods and how freaking BULLSHIT it was that I’ve thought healthy foods meant ‘BLAH’ or expensive. I’ve had some of the best and most delicious meals I’ve ever cooked for a fraction of eating out. I can feel the difference of not drinking so much, the energy I feel in the morning. Guys… have you ever struggled to get out of bed in the a.m? Um, that’s been me the last two decades of my life. Now, I get 6-7 hours of sleep and am SO energized and ready to start the day. (ok okay, maybe after a cup of coffee, or 12..) But you get the point. Nutrition does matter! Hydration does matter! Oh my gosh! Those people that have been saying that for so many years were not full of shit! woaaaah!

It’s so easy to make unhealthy decisions and so much quicker to do so, I totally understand. Even this morning. Cody and I are fighting… We just can’t seem to communicate to each other lately and we are taking it out on each other in not the nicest ways. (whooole other story) Anyway, my first inclination after he left for work was to shove my face full of cereal & bagels and a whole shit-ton of cream cheese and sit and cry. I mean, that’s my usual immature go-to dick boyfriend move.. but I didn’t. I did my workout video for the day, and had my shake for breakfast. Now, I don’t feel like moping. I’m still angry, but a little less so (Elle woods here: Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t shoot their husbands. hahah). Now I have the energy to go about my day and try to be productive in my other chores and to-do list of life.

Sorry for the rant – point is, I want to be my friend. I want you to feel that way too. It takes courage, it takes believing in yourself even when you don’t feel you deserve it. But – I know it’s going to be worth it. I’ll update my “health’ section soon and put some amazing recipies, my workouts, etc on there. But for now. My laugh up my sleeve today is knowing I HAVE THE CONTROL of how I FEEL about MY BODY.

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PREVIOUS ME. my cat nala wala pretty much sums it up.

Last night’s workout. πŸ™‚

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There are 8 comments

  1. Anjali Chudasama

    Thank you for sharing your struggles. Your vulnerabilities will feel like you are not alone and will make you stronger to make the right choices. Food and sleep are two important things for health. Once those needs are met, your mental, spiritual, emotional and physical aspects balance as well. In this country, we are also deficient in vitamins which make you feel good, so include those as well with the physical activity, healthy nutrition and good sleep. You can do it! All of us are pulling for you. Just keep taking one step at a time. Celebrate your achievements regardless of how small. Don’t be too harsh on yourself if there are setbacks! Keep sharing too, it will help…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Renee

      Thank you so much πŸ™‚ I know this is an internal struggle and I need to overcome how I feel about myself – but it’s so amazing how great support feels. Thanks for the kind words!!

      Like

  2. 2015chronicles

    You go girl. You’re young and healthy and getting healthier. You have so much going for you. You’re wise beyond your years to have learned early how important it is what we put into our body and mind. Keep on track and I’m sure your “bottom line” will see excellent results as well.
    Shine On

    Like

    1. Renee

      Thank you so much πŸ™‚
      It’s important to be friends with yourself – your body is begging you to be! I’ve always heard the saying ‘you only get one body’ – and I don’t know why I’ve neglected/hated mine for so long. It’s not healthy! πŸ™‚ Good luck to you! And not being like my kitty! haha

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Brycical

    Thank you for sharing, expressing yourself, and feeling all parts of yourself, both the love and the insecurities. This whole living thing not an easy journey sometimes. And I very much thank you for your struggles, the pain & unpleasantness for they are forging you now into something much more strong as you continue to evolve and accept all parts of yourself, loving yourself, and being yourself.

    Thank you for being.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Renee

      “This whole living thing not an easy journey sometimes.” Amen. And it’s been hard because I am the type of person to want to help others and fix others and encourage others.. when I couldn’t accept the fact that I was sabotaging myself. I didn’t feel worthy of being healthy or happy but didn’t also feel worthy of feeling insecure because so many others have more difficult lives, harder struggles, etc. I have to learn everyone deserves to FEEL – pain, happiness.. everything. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. It’s what I needed this morning and it’s so wonderful there are people in the world out there like you. πŸ™‚ Have a good day

      Like

  4. Art Cloud

    I love your honesty, like when you practically say how much you weigh–it’s okay–I usually say I’m the size of a NFL halfback–5’9′ 210 lbs—, minus the speed, ability, contract, etc

    Liked by 1 person

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